what ho and all that,
yesterday was my birthday. i treated sachin and anand at my place..they didnt even remember, at least sachin didnt,that it was my birthday.anyway i reminded them and carried on with the party.some things i can overlook in the name of partying. anyway we boozed...at least i did..anand had a bottle of beer and our man sachin did well with cold drinks.
anyway i spent quite a whopper on food...12 fucking pounds.anyway i never worried about the money and never will. the hand of god is upon me and ill fare well as long as i keep my head firmly on my shoulders.
well there ended my birthday except for this one little incident that happened earlier yesterday.pallavi and i fought again on the phone.i dont know why but it just keeps happening.everytime i try to ensure that we dont fight..w always end up fighting..after a certain time frame in the telephonic conversation. u can literally bet on it.its always the parting words that make the difference ..that i have seen. for some reason i cant express the parting mushy words very well..so evry time i end up taking the firing for not being able to express my feelings and all that. its not like i do it on purpose..its just that it doesnt come out with all that conviction.you have to admit ..things that im good at ,i can do with a lot of conviction.and in the end i have to go overboard with the efforts..then it becomes obvious.
so what am i supposed to do..stop trying alltogether.then i wil be fired for not even trying.the solution to this..pallavi tells me she wont expecttoo much out of me..sarcastically of coúrse! her exact words were- i wont expect anything from you!! and dont expect anything from me either!! well so much for understanding each other..and coming to amicable understandings.
what do i do if i cant change something thats inherent in me. i cant drop that wall which i have created around me...why cant someone understand that rather than try to it break that wall. i dont like to stay like this and i will open up..eventually..its just a matter of time.but will anybody understand...i dont think so.now i have been asked by pallavi to come back to india and leave all that i have gained here in the past 3 months. i dont want anybody to think that my girl is a sadistic and mean lady and i am the poor guy trapped i her clutches..because i have also been accussed of that.
on that note i end this discussion..so long and thanks for all the fish.