the day draws near for me to start my new job. god knows how i will perform..should give it my best..but u know me...of course know me....ur me.!! at times i get really inconfident...gotta break that jinx right now.
anyway last night as a real shock....SB said he planned to get back to india with his family. dont blame him..would do the same if i had a family...a kid to be precise. anyway the hepc thing has really got to him..man i am really scared . if the test is true u never know its implications. its not one of those things that u can just ignore and feel will pass. it wont..u have to deal with it. im sure he will..he is a stable guy.
i feel happy for him. he is going home..to his family. on the other hand i felt really bad for RS. he went really dejected. i even felt sad to tell him that i had got the job. but he took it gracefully. great guy!!
lifer is really starnge..it puts in all sorts of situations....every one of these " situations" brings out something new in you and gets u in touch with all sorts of people... young .. old... lazy.. vibrant..... happy... sad. the idea, i believe is to keep an open mind and live life as it comes. sometimes its difficult to explain this philosophy to others or even justify or theorize it to myself but its what has worked for me this far...so ill stick by it. i hope to get more stronger by each passing day...full of conviction. the rest as the say is rock n' roll.  

am feeling exceptionally depressed and nostalgic today. things have to really look up if i want to make that india trip.if the ticket problem is sorted out..lets see. did a bit of studying today. nothing great... part of me wants the india trip to materialize..the other half wants it not to. i remember pallavi a lot. too much actually. i want to see her, touch her and hold her in my arms.
there is another part of me that wants to stay back..avoid the hassle and most importantly..study a bit for the mrcs and for the new job. rest as they is rock and roll.
my head is running away in two directons threatening to tear it apart.
but amidst all this u just cant afford to lose ur sense of humour.

what ho and all that,
yesterday was my birthday. i treated sachin and anand at my place..they didnt even remember, at least sachin didnt,that it was my birthday.anyway i reminded them and carried on with the party.some things i can overlook in the name of partying. anyway we boozed...at least i did..anand had a bottle of beer and our man sachin did well with cold drinks.
anyway i spent quite a whopper on food...12 fucking pounds.anyway i never worried about the money and never will. the hand of god is upon me and ill fare well as long as i keep my head firmly on my shoulders.
well there ended my birthday except for this one little incident that happened earlier yesterday.pallavi and i fought again on the phone.i dont know why but it just keeps happening.everytime i try to ensure that we dont fight..w always end up fighting..after a certain time frame in the telephonic conversation. u can literally bet on it.its always the parting words that make the difference ..that i have seen. for some reason i cant express the parting mushy words very well..so evry time i end up taking the firing for not being able to express my feelings and all that. its not like i do it on purpose..its just that it doesnt come out with all that conviction.you have to admit ..things that im good at ,i can do with a lot of conviction.and in the end i have to go overboard with the efforts..then it becomes obvious.
so what am i supposed to do..stop trying alltogether.then i wil be fired for not even trying.the solution to this..pallavi tells me she wont expecttoo much out of me..sarcastically of coúrse! her exact words were- i wont expect anything from you!! and dont expect anything from me either!! well so much for understanding each other..and coming to amicable understandings.
what do i do if i cant change something thats inherent in me. i cant drop that wall which i have created around me...why cant someone understand that rather than try to it break that wall. i dont like to stay like this and i will open up..eventually..its just a matter of time.but will anybody understand...i dont think so.now i have been asked by pallavi to come back to india and leave all that i have gained here in the past 3 months. i dont want anybody to think that my girl is a sadistic and mean lady and i am the poor guy trapped i her clutches..because i have also been accussed of that.
on that note i end this discussion..so long and thanks for all the fish.

life seems to be heading nowhere at present. yes, ive got the job. but it always seems that the motivation is lacking.im hoping against hope that when pallavi gets here things will be allright.its as if i just dont have any reason any drive to work in any dept. i think when i start the job things might be different. i cant imagine working in a job which i cant enjoy. im trying to get in the groove while im doing the attachment in a&e. im trying to get things done. im hoping that things might work. im exceptionally depressed today. my ..my.the last of the optimists!! should have gone home...bu tthen i couldnt study. c'est la vie!!
sometimes i feel im not mature enough.too young to handle all this.but then i ve seen younger do better..thats what drives me on.i shudder to think what would happen if i get married and im still this immature. i hate it.im not assertive enough either....what is this ..im so full of myself today. anyway enough of me. ive gotta get back to studying.